Fire The Scriptwriter

Month: August 2024

The London Diary: Camden, days 376 to 380

Day 376

Monday July 15

So, our hundredth performance has arrived and it is claimed by Antonio’s The Funny Brewer weekly Monday event at The Brewhouse And Kitchen in Highbury. Unlike our debut here last week which suffered from, let’s say, a scheduling mishap, this week we very much do have an audience and we are welcomed to the stage ecstatically.

We are setting tonight up just like it was suggested last week after we played in the break during which everyone, er, went on a break. So the format is an evening of comedians in two halves with us ending the first half with two songs and beginning the second half with two more.

And we hit this one hard, starting with Make Me Shine then blasting into I Like You (Better When You’re Naked). Then we come back with the latest addition to our set, Till Sunset Burns before rounding it all off with Rock’n’Roll Tree. The reception to everything is just incredible. A very fitting atmosphere for gig number 100. 

Day 377

Tuesday July 16

Maja’s up early for a work awayday tomorrow so we have to leave after the first half of tonight’s Ramshackle Collective. With that, Den accommodates us by letting us close the first half. 

Day 380

Friday July 19

After the excitement of our 100th gig and then Tuesday night, tonight we’re off for our third performance of the week. This is the gig Gabriel and Anna got in touch about a few weeks ago and it’s at a brand new venue for us – Anna’s bar Cava-Ri in Norbury. Which is in south London. Whole new territory for us – for those not familiar at all with London, it’s pretty much split by the River Thames on north south lines and it is totally a thing that those living north of the river rarely venture to the south of it, and vice versa. Apart from those from the south going to the city centre, the main commercial, tourist and political parts of which are on and around the northern banks. We have absolutely no idea what to expect. The poster advertises quite a substantial and varied bill with pictures included of all the acts, including us. We haven’t even seen the venue. We thought about going down a week or so ago to say hello, hang out, see what it was. But when we checked, it looked like a bit of a trek and we weren’t up for that so it didn’t happen. I wonder if it had been the same distance away but north, we would have gone? Oh we could have fun with that one. But we’re going there and playing it today so let’s get on it.

It really isn’t that bad a trip at all. From nearby Kings Cross, a fast, one-stop train takes us to Croydon, a bit further south than where we’re going. From there quite a few buses are going our way which means a really short wait for a bus that drops us off almost right outside the place. Oh. We’re on London Road. Cool. This is a small-ish but busy high street and we now see Cava-Ri and it’s a cool, bright, modern looking type place. Exactly what you would expect of a wine bar and restaurant, which is what it is. And it’s beautifully set out with its tiled floors and sharp, clean edges. A truly classy venue and minimalist without the minimal. Subminimal. In front is what looks like a Mediterranean garden scene, complete with artificial grass, and totally independent to any of its surroundings. Matches the weather. It’s warm tonight. So much so that hardly anyone is venturing inside. Meaning everything is going to happen out here in our own little piece of the Med, a la Norbury and san mer.

Anna is delighted to see us as we approach from across the road. She welcomes us with a warm embrace and the wonderful exuberance of the host that she is, and sees to it we get free drinks before we start to set up. The regulars, dotted about the garden area on comfortable plush chairs, also welcome us in and invite us to sit and mingle. A few hellos, then we have to think about the set up. It’s simple once we’re settled. This little garden runs the short length, or rather width, of the glass fronted venue. The outside runs about five or six metres or so out onto the pavement with its own little wall. We’re to play at the far end, essentially looking down the side of the place and playing to what we now think of as the back of the garden. We discover now that we’re going to play a couple of sets of three songs each. We have compere/comedian Gary, who will be joined later by Gabriel. We’re going to start it all off, then another comedian will play, then we’re on again, then the star of the show will be a belly dancer. OK. All fun. Let’s go. Gary gently opens proceedings with a warm, welcomingly familiar old skool comedy halls act injected with his own spin and personality. It’s an almost conversational performance, performer and audience as one. Then he announces us and we’re on.

We decide our opening tonight will be How You Rock’n’Roll followed by I Like You (Better When You’re Naked) and then closing the first set with Talk About The Weather. Everyone in front of us is kinda chilled, and we’re interrupted every now and then by motorbikes or police cars going past. But that all adds to the wonderful summer, outdoor vibe we have going here, playing our songs and rocking out with the wind in our hair. As we get into this short set, more and more people start paying attention. Then, as we get deep into Weather, Gabriel arrives and rises the excitement of the whole place, especially when we hit the shout it out loud mid section. Can you feel it/There’s a storm coming/Can you feel it/Through my hands I’ve got the rhythm it’s running. Yes. He’s totally into it and it looks like he’s starting to take a few people with him. It’s all starting to bounce now. 

When we finish, he comes straight up to us on the stage area and introduces us to the people who have been, I would say, politely curious rather than exuberant about us. That changes when we go back out to the floor and so many people want to say hello and tell us how much they enjoyed what we did. But until all that happens, it feels a little more rather reserved. Summer evening outdoor vibes and so on. Gabriel is absolutely effervescent and changes all that. Up and with us, he asks if he can take the mic and Maja obliges. Into it he declares, ‘That was The Diaries Ladies and gentlemen. They’re going to be famous.’ He then briefly interviews us before going into hypeman mode to call out, ‘Make some noise for The Diaries.’ And they do. We are here now. He continues his impromptu interview, making sure people know who we are, where we’re from and where they can find out more about us online. Talking to us through the mic he says: ‘I really think that they don’t know that you are going to be famous and in years to come they will be like, Oh wow, I saw them at Cava-Ri.’ He then asks if they could get one more out of us, but we then say we will be back a little later. He’s delighted with that answer and the three of us all leave the stage together and happily walk back into the summer’s evening, ice all well and truly broken. We’ve thought it before, but after this little bump it’s fair to say that Gabriel is quite possibly our biggest cheerleader in London and we are actually starting to gather one or two. What a wonderful thing that is to be able to say.

I think we did reasonably well in the mingling stakes before our trip to the stage. But now everyone’s seen us do our thing, and with the confirming storm of Gabriel’s intervention, we really start to get in among it and talk to a few people. Or rather, more people start to come and say hi to us and speak enthusiastically about what they’ve just seen and to ask more about what we’re all about. Brilliant. Anna’s visible enthusiasm about us has also clearly had quite a bit to do with all that. They’ll be seeing more of us up on stage later. In the meantime we all sit back and enjoy the wonderful comedy of Junior Booker, clearly a pro who would be high up on any bill you’d pay to get into. Gabriel’s saying we’ll be famous. I’m going to pay that forward and predict you’ll be hearing the name Junior Booker a bit more sometime in the future, although he already has a fairly healthy profile around London so I can barely claim to be ahead of the game on that one. After we’ve kickstarted everything, he raises it all to another level. After which Gary entertains us all for a little while again. Gabriel also gets up and does his thing. Huge personality fired effervescent comedy which is impossible to ignore. And we do our thing again. Make Me Shine, Rock’n’Roll Tree, and My Game My Rules. This leads to solid calls for an encore so we come back with The Cat. Now it’s time to sit back, by this time really among the people as we feel more and more at home, and wait to see what this belly dancing thing is all about as Chantel prepares for her entrance. And wow. What an entrance it is. I really won’t get all technical or anything about Eastern dress or belly dancing moves or anything like that, but this really is a full on visual assault of music, dance and pure athletic gymnastics. What a show. She’s everywhere. In between every table, over every chair, and making eye contact with everyone in the place, inviting us all in and making everyone feel, in their own little way, that this performance is just for them. It’s a whole experience and a fantastic show to close what has been a great evening. We stick around for a while longer, mingling as the atmosphere of excitement rumbles on. Everyone’s really been on their game tonight but Chantel has elevated things to a higher level still.

Until…

A few weeks later we bump into Gabriel out and about. He tells us that not only are people still talking about us at Cava-Ri, but he’s heard more about us than even the belly dancer, who we thought absolutely owned the place. Wow. We really did leave something out there in south London. And one more thing.

When it’s time to leave, after having had a wonderful time with Anna and Gary and so many of their regulars, I suddenly realise where we are. I mentioned that we came here via Croydon on a fast overground train from Kings Cross. Fine. But hey. We’re just down the road from Brixton. A main road all the way with a ton of buses heading down there. Surely it won’t take long for one of those buses to come along. It doesn’t and in no time at all we’re in Brixton. From there, it’s a short and simple tube ride to Camden and back home. Oh wow. If I’d figured that out a few weeks ago we totally would have come for that introductory look around and hang out. Well, now we know this, we tell ourselves we will be back again for a casual visit. Not at all the trek we initially thought. Even the Croydon way we came was convenient enough. But this. From Camden, a short hop to Brixton then just about any bus you want down the road to the bar. And we can combine it with a visit to the wonderful area of Brixton next time, which Maja hasn’t experienced yet. It really is a fantastic part of London and I’ve been saying for a while we should go. Now we have an extra excuse to do so. Which is the little plan we come up with now. A trip to Brixton, hang out there a little while, then onto Cava-Ri. Yep. We will see you soon. And thankyou very much for tonight. It has been a wonderful adventure and we got to be part of it all.

Oh. We got paid tonight too. Brilliant. Brilliant. Operating as an original music act, that takes things to a slightly different level. It’s also only when we’re on our way home that we reflect on the evening as a whole. Those performers were top drawer professionals. And we were booked on the same bill as them. Yep. A whole new London level. And we totally belonged.

One more thing. Unfortunately there’s hardly no useable video from tonight. For our first performance we had a few motorbikes and siren blasting emergency vehicles go bombing down the road right next to us. Then, with the streets slightly quieter for our second slot, our tripod got just a little tiny bit bumped just as we started. Which was enough to totally mess up the framing, putting just a little of me in the shot and absolutely none of Maja. But we do have Gabriel’s entrance and presentation of us to share with you. It’s not publicly available, but as you’ve been kind enough to stay with us this far, here you go.

The London Diary: Camden, days 418 to 423

Day 418

Monday August 26

Maja has a week off and we’re using it to get ourselves back into the studio to see if we can finally start to do some album damage. The concept of the album has kinda changed a little. Well, not exactly changed as such. Well, it’s like this. Yes it’s been a long time and yes there have been long periods of dormancy to be fair for some of the reasons a little outlined above. But while we have the twelve songs we’ve always intended to be on this debut album, no matter what other songs we’ve written and continue to write, we’re not going to wait until the whole thing is done before putting it out as one piece of work. Well, music and the whole concept of how music is released is changing anyway, and by default we’re fitting right into that. So yeah. What we’re planning now is as soon as a song is done, we’re just putting it out. When the next one is done, out that goes too. And so on until all twelve are out. At which point we can repackage the whole lot as the long (for us at least) awaited debut album HEᒐ. By then we’ll also have other songs ready to go; first of all, album number two is already completely written and album number three is practically all there too. Within that, a load of recording and pre-production has already happened. So yeah, although HEᒐ has been a long time in the coming, once it actually has emerged, we’ll be fully ready to rock’n’roll onto the next stage.

Day 423

Saturday August 31

Oh wow. Oasis has announced they’re getting back together to play a few huge shows. After that, who knows? Maybe by the time you’re reading this, you do. But this is Oasis doing their thing again. One of our touchstone bands. We have so many references to them and their lyrics in so many of our songs. Our first studio release, just out now, is full of them. You may know it if you’ve seen one or two of our videos. Rock’n’Roll Tree. For a start, it begins with the line ‘Some might say…’ Then the chorus, well, one of the choruses, it’s that kind of song, starts with, ‘And it shines,’ and ends with, ‘When you’re standing on the shoulders of what some might say/ In a sink full of fishes.’ And another of our most referenced bands, Oasis adjacent you could say, is also in there with three references in one tiny tiny section. ‘When he loves you all the more than yesterday/ You’ve got to let it be.’ An early version of the song ended with the last yeah yeah yeah echoing the final lines of She Loves You, but Maja deemed that just a bit too much. 

There’s some big furore about who’s going to be in the band. Will it be the original lineup? But really, the whole thing is about Liam and Noel getting back together. For me, it would be nice if Bonehead was there too, but as Noel has said many times, Oasis is the two of them and anyone else in the other slots. Apart from the original five, thirteen other people have been in Oasis over the years, making a total of 18. So if you’re not going to get the stone cold original Definitely Maybe lineup, and you’re not, what does it really matter? Yeah. It’s really all about Liam and Noel. And Bonehead (my opinion). Also for me, I’d love it if Guigs played bass. Would really truly love it if Tony McCarrol got up and played a song or two a la Steven Adler. I really don’t see it. But Bring It On Down would just be perfect. Just for that one song. To have the whole band back together. Again, I really don’t see it happening. But really for drums, it has to be Alan White doesn’t it? Although when I saw them it was Zak Starkey and he was amazing. Ringo Starr’s son. Bringing Oasis and The Beatles totally together. But really, after what follows in here, I think most people couldn’t care less who plays on the bill. After all the fuss and excitement, couldn’t care less anymore that this thing is even happening. We’ll get to that.

For now, this is a huge deal for Maja who’s never seen them. It’s still a big enough deal for me too, even though I have seen them. Twice. But to be fair, both those shows for me were in the later 2000s so no, I never saw them in their mid to late 90s prime. I almost, almost went to Glastonbury in 1995, just as they were approaching their zenith and just a few months before Morning Glory came out. And I still can’t figure out how I missed going to the epochal Knebworth. I was living near Manchester at the time, was all over the bar and club scene, and just about the only things you ever heard anywhere you ever went was Oasis and The Stone Roses. And yes, of course all the other Britpop stuff was bubbling around everywhere too. So how did Knebworth manage to pass us all by? By us all, I mean all my friends at the time too. Not only did I not go, but I don’t remember anyone talking about going to it. At all. Either before or after. I have no idea. But we’re totally on this reunion tour thing. 

The only problem is, half the world (away) and its mother also is. We do the whole thing. Register for tickets, get ourselves on the pre sale ballot, sign up with the ticket sites. That all happened yesterday in anticipation of sale day today. Oh, this is exciting. We were a little disappointed to miss out on the whole pre-sale thing but that’s OK. Up early this morning and let’s log on as soon as the sale begins. Oh, we’re so on this.

The only problem is, half the world and its mother also is.

First thing in the morning we’re in the queue. Guess what.

Yes.

You are number 126,879 in the queue. OK, I made that number up, but yes, deep in the hundred thousands. Oh OK. Let’s see how this goes. There’s what? Fifteen stadium shows across the UK to aim at. Of course we’d prefer Wembley Stadium, what with us being in London and all that, but we can spread it out, right? That’s the plan anyway if our chosen venue sells out by the time we get there.

Right now you might be thinking how long it takes to get to the front of a queue when you’re being well over a hundred thousand people. 

We don’t sit and stare at the screen and watch it happen, although yes we do keep up with it. More, we just get on with our Saturday hanging around the apartment, watching a movie and stuff, but making sure not to go out. We do need to at least stay on top of this thing. 

Now, to get to the answer of how long this takes. Around eight hours. Eight hours and we’re into single figure thousands. Which, bizarrely, feels like a really small queue. For a further hour we watch with some fascination as it winds through the thousands and then unbelievably into triple figures. Somewhere in the mid thousands we stop the movie ane watch, transfixed as it goes down, down, down. Triple figures, then double, then. Then. Then. Single. Actually single. Eight people in front of us. We’re at the computer and waiting. All required details at our fingertips. Then, incredibly, almost impossibly, it ticks down to just one. We’re up next. Yes, this is adrenilly. Then it happens. We’re in and we can select tickets. We’re actually in. Then it happens. What? What? What? Is our disbelieving reaction to what we see. The advertised price of around £150 per ticket has more than doubled and yeah, that 150 was damn high to begin with. But this is Oasis, Maja’s never seen them and they are kinda our band. A little more on that later. But for now, we’re absolutely stunned and Maja is heartbroken. No. Just no. We are not paying that. It was a stretch to start with. But this? Due to high demand they say. High demand? High demand? The biggest band of their era, the defining band of their era, has got back together after 15 years of, it will never happen, and demand took people so much by surprise that the prices had to go up? No. Just. NO. An absolute disgrace. An absolute farce. Never have I seen so much goodwill and overall feelgood vibes evaporate into badwill and recrimination so quickly. Everyone involved should hang their heads in shame so that they can look down and see that little bit clearer how much money has pooled all around their ankles. Oh damn this is dirty. I’m very sorry to say, but Oasis feels just a little bit more sullied now. The event everyone was so jubilant and excited about yesterday has become a bitter, disillusioning experience. Literally over night, something so good, so joyous, so celebrated, has become something dirty, disdained and, yes, disowned. Well done everybody.

RIght. If I’m not going to tell this now I probably never am. What a perfect opportunity to talk about the time when I was working in a bar and I looked after Liam Gallagher and his table of, I’m remembering, around 10 people. They were on our biggest table on a Sunday so there must have been a lot of them. I think enough time has passed now to talk about this encounter. Damn that was a busy day. One of the busiest and most stressful I’ve ever worked through in a bar. Sunday Fathers Day, 2019. We had an inkling it would be a big one. So much so that the day before the assistant manager Duran, who I had a great relationship with, asked if I’d be OK to be called to come in early if it all really kicked off. I said yes I would, and said if I saw I had a call from the bar I would assume it was because everything was on fire and so wouldn’t even answer as that would waste time. Instead, I did what I said I would, which was to be ready to leave, just reject the call as soon as I saw it was coming in, and head straight to the bar, which was about a 10 minute walk from my house. I walked into absolute chaos and a massively grateful and relieved Duran who said she’d totally forgotten my suggested tactic of the night before and thought I’d just rejected the call and not thought to come in. That, and to see Liam Gallagher sitting at our biggest table. As soon as I entered, I sprang straight into action, throwing myself anywhere and everywhere to help get things under control. That was impossible. But at least I helped hold our heads above water. Oh, who am I kidding? The place was a mess. The one time it actually did fall apart like you feel it can sometimes, but somehow it just about manages to stay together. Today was the day it actually did fall apart. So much so that Duran even had to leave the whole thing to me being in charge as she felt she had to help out in the kitchen. In all my time in bars and restaurants, you’re talking fewer than five times that I ever saw any floor personnel have to do that. And only once did I ever see any kitchen staff come out and work the floor. That was when I managed to slice right through my hand while cutting a loaf of bread and so couldn’t possibly deliver plates of food to anyone. The blood pouring out of my hand was almost unstoppable.

Digressed.

The point being, in all this, Liam’s table had to wait possibly the longest I’ve ever seen a table have to wait for desserts. So long in fact that the next party for their table arrived for their booking and I had to be the one to go and ask/tell The Liam actual Gallagher could he and all his family and friends please leave this table and go and sit outside in the garden. Yep. I had to ask/tell Liam Gallagher to leave my pub. But in the best possible way and he was so so understanding and brilliant about it. And you know, through all this thing, when his table had so many things go wrong because it was just the worst day ever in there, and they would have had every right to feel aggrieved and to have voiced that quite strongly, I didn’t hear one complaint. Not to any of us, and neither did I even hear a word of complaint or disquiet pass between them. I’m sure words were said and eye rolls made, and all totally justifiably. But I didn’t see or hear a hint of irritation, blame or castigation. Then, out in the beer garden – I could almost have got on my knees in thanks to the weather that day – I heard him talking about how much he really liked the pub. And, once the people at the newly vacated table had settled, he went out of his way to go inside and talk to and spend a little time with them. And during all the chaos of the day, he also took interest in talking to me, asking where I was from and telling me two or three times that he really loved and appreciated the job I was doing. If anything, I was the rude one. Answering questions as briefly as I could and really trying to get away as quicky as I could. Everywhere I looked, it felt that day, something somewhere was on fire and I had to go and put it out. Sorry Liam. I just didn’t have the time. What I was quite happy about myself with was that, like every other famous person who ever came in – apart from Damian Lewis one time, but that really is another story – not once during that whole day did I ever let on that I even vaguely recognised him and I really like to think he clocked that and appreciated that. Because of course he knew that I knew who he was. He even knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew who he was. You know? Basically, the guy and all his company was an absolute pleasure to deal with as customers. He played no large cards at all at all. I don’t think I ever even heard his voice above the general chatter of the bar. He just sat, chilled and enjoyed like everyone else in there that day. And, apart from a massively star struck colleague who just had to get a photo with him before he left, I don’t think I saw one person approach him or bother him.

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